The best one liners from the most irreverant show on network television. Only because it is animated do the writers get away with all the stuff they do. Don't agree with the list? Vote for an existing item you think should be ranked higher or if you are a logged in, add a new item for others to vote on or create your own version of this list.
The Top Ten
1You'd better watch who you're calling a child, Lois. Because if I'm a child, you know what that makes you? A Pedophile. And I'll be damned if I'm gonna be lectured by a pervert. - Peter Griffin
More comments about You'd better watch who you're calling a child, Lois. Because if I'm a child, you know what that makes you? A Pedophile. And I'll be damned if I'm gonna be lectured by a pervert. - Peter Griffin
2Woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah... Lois, this is not my Batman glass. - Peter Griffin
Peter is hilarious! I like the episode where peter laughes when people say the name of the show in the show.
haha i just watched that episode, came here, and saw this.. it was so funny.
By Far the 2nd best qoute in family guy history
3Giggity giggity giggity - Quagmire
More comments about Giggity giggity giggity - Quagmire
This should be #1 My whole family think's this is funny.
Mumma, Mumma, Mom, Mommy, Ma, ===the best!
Oh, my mom loves this. I joke around with her. Until it actually starts to get annoying.
More comments about Mum mum mum mum mummy mummy mummy mummy Lois........ Hi- Stewie
5Hello, 911? It's Quagmire. Yeah, it's caught in the window this time. - Glen Quagmire
More comments about Hello, 911? It's Quagmire. Yeah, it's caught in the window this time. - Glen Quagmire
6The life of the wife is ended by the knife. - Stewie Griffin
7Because you touch yourself at night - Museum tour guide to a child Peter Griffin after asking why the dinosaurs died
8Ha ha ha, oh my God! I almost didn't do it, I almost didn't do it! I thought, is this in bad taste? But you know what, I went for it. I went for it and I'm so glad I did! Ooooh, worth it, totally worth it. - Stewie Griffin (after tripping Pete
This is by far my favorite moment of family guy
9Hey, mother, I come bearing a gift. I'll give you a hint. It's in my diaper and it's not a toaster. - Stewie Griffin
10Eh, you're overreacting Lois and you can't spell overreacting without ovary... 'cause you're a girl. - Peter
11I've got an idea--an idea so smart that my head would explode if I even began to know what I'm talking about. - Peter Griffin
Yup. Definitely a classic. "Leafers! "
Family guy should certainly stick to the their classic jokes. Not the ridiculousness they've now resorted to.
This is something that Fry would say in Futurama and I still love it. It's just so funny, I mean come on guys and gals
This is where it all falls out.. I mean come on.. Let the man of the house talk.. Laugh out loud
12Hello Sally, h-hey its Peter Griffen. Yeah, that's right, senior prom, yeah it's been a while..so listen, um, I just found out that Im retarted and um, I'm just calling to let you know that uh, you might want to get yourself tested
13Oh, Brian, I can't wait 'til after dinner, 'cause then we'll go home and you can watch me have my period. - Stewie Griffin
14Buttscratcher! Buttscrather! Buttscratcher! - Peter Griffin
15Hey guys, wanna go play some base-(voice drops) ball? Excuse me, I'm gonna go masturbate - When Peter goes through puberty
16Yes, we're gonna douche the night away. - Stewie Griffin
17So, is there any tread left on the tires? Or at this point would it be like throwing a hot dog down a hallway? - Stewie Griffin (to one of the prostitutes at Cleveland's house)
Actually made me poke my head out of the kitchen and ask, "What did he just say? "
18No Quagmire, we're not esupposed to! - Peter
19I'd do her... do her... wouldn't do her.... Whew! who hasn't done her?! ...Lose the pigtails and we'll talk... - Stewie Griffin
20All right, all right, make like Siamese twins and split... And then one of you die. - Peter Griffin
21Alright everyone but Chris keep your pants on and lets figure this out. - Herbert the Pervert
22Lois men aren't fat only fat women are fat- Peter
23Dammit! I'm missing Boy Meets World for this? - Herbert the Pervert
24Oh I was not aware that you can see the future Lois, can I go ahead and get tomorrow's lottery number. - Peter Griffin
25NONONONONONO! - Cleveland
Uh uh I don't get it... (Cleveland Show reference if you were wondering... )
This is just filler.. Zlsdkjf ;ilsr;xmclkv
Nononononono I can't feel my legs welcome to the party mister oh wait there they are aww
26I'm not going to call an ambulance this time because if I do you won't learn anything. - Brian
This was around the time when Brian was used as a more intelligent character to Peter's idiocy. In any case, good stuff.
27I have spoken!!! - Peter Griffin
Laugh out loud this episode makes me chuckle! Es
28The government is here! Run, E.T.! Run! - Chris
29Yes, but no sprinkles. For every sprinkle I find... I shall kill you. - Stewie Griffin
30I felt guilty once, but she woke up halfway through. - Quagmire
31I'm going to turn you into poo! - Chris
32Excuse me, is your refrigerator running? Because if it is, it probably runs like you - very homosexually. - Peter Griffin
That should be number one. The herpes from a toilet seat isn't even on here but should be second.
33A degenerate, am I? Well, you are a festisio! See? I can make up words too, sister. - Peter to rehab counselor
34Peter: 'OMG, Brain there's a message in my Alphabits, it says Ooooooooo', Brian : Peter, those are Cherios
35That was 'Me Farting by Chopin?' (Stewie after accidentally farting while playing the French horn)
36I can't eat this it'll go straight to my vagina. That what girls worrie about right? Having big vaginas?- Stewie
37Is this about Meg's cervical cancer? - Peter Griffin
38Hello there, Kyle. You like nice today. I see you're wearing your big shorts with the baggy leg holes that flutter so carelessly in the breeze. Would like to come in for a glass of wine and a cupcake? - Herbert
39Those freakin elves man, they came outta the trees, they just came outta the trees man - Snap to Pop and Crackle after they got jumped by the Keebler gang
40Been working on that novel huh? Been working on that for three years now right? Gonna, gonna get that done? You know that novel, that novel you where making where friends become enemies and enemies become friends. You gonna get that done right? -Stewie
This was suppose to be number one.. I love this, and the face stewie makes when he says it.. Haha
41Oh God, It's everywhere.... It's even in my racoon wounds! - Peter Griffin
After Peter get knocked over in a portable toilet.
42Hey there, you like popscicles? I got a whole cellar full of popscicles. - Herbert the Pervert
43What the deuce? - Stewie Griffin
This should definitely have been first. My favourite one in the whole show!
And its on 50?! This and, 'oh harsh, you just got bumped down to coconut mint! '
44Nothing says Obey Me like a bloody head on a fence post! - Stewie Griffin
Sound's like somthing id say
45I didn't have gas for the first time until I was 30. [farts] What the hell was that? - Peter Griffin
46When I stick this army guy with the sharp bayonette up my nose, it tickles my brain. Hah hah hah ... ow. Oh, now I don't know math. - Chris Griffin
47Come on, let's go drink until we can't feel feelings anymore. - Peter Griffin
48Bill Cosby: Stewie, what do you think candy is made out of? Stewie Griffin: Sunshine and farts! What the hell kind of question is that?!
Funniest thing I've ever heard!!!
49You can't be ugly and play hard to get, it doesn't work that way. You're already hard to want! - Peter Griffin
My day just went from alright to fantastic, how he comes up with this stuff
50Now that you can't see, let's do a little vision test. What is this? A poopie or a Toblerone? - Stewie Griffin after he breaks Meg Griffin's glasses
ha!!! i couldn't stop laughing!!!
51I spit in your mouth when you sleep! - Stewie Griffin
52I like you. When I rule the world, your death shall quick and painless. -Stewie Griffin
This one has bee on t-shirts and more. This should have been one of the top 10!
53It's peanut butter jelly time! - Brain
54Who the hell do you think you are!? - Stewie
Should be first it's an amazing quote haha I love stewie he's got to be my favourite character by far
55I say mother, this hotdog has been on my plate for a full minute and it hasn't cut itself. - Stewie Griffin
56Cut my milk! - Stewie Griffin
Pure humor and idiotic behavior by Stewie. He's smarter than that, but that's what makes him so darn funny.
57PFFFF.... ahhhhhhh PFFF..... ahhhh PFFF.... ahhhh PFFFFF... ahhhh - Peter/Lois while falling and hurting knee/breast
58(Peter & Brian In the middle of a conversation) Oh my god! You can talk! - Peter
59F*** You That's Who! - Stewie
60Oh My God, Who The Hell Cares? - Peter
61Hellooooooooo - Smiley Mcgee
62Shut up, Meg - Peter
63Juggle the beanbags Cloris!!! GOD HELP YOU juggle the BEANBAGS!!!!! - Peter after legally owning Cloris Leachman
64It's Been Revoked - Peter quoting Lethal Weapon 2 after shooting Stewie in the head
65I had such a crush on her. Until I met you Lois. You're my silver medal. - Peter
66Hahaha, oh crap I pooped my pants - Peter after hearing a funny joke Quagmire told him.
67I'm not taking my sneakers off.... I am Sneakers O'Toole. - Sneakers O'Toole
68Hold the pickles! God help you if I find pickles!!! - Stewie to the flight attendant
69By all means, turn me into a child star. Perhaps I can move to Californ-i-ay and wrangle me a three-way with the Olsen twins. - Stewie
70Whoa, ass ahoy! - Brian
71Something good....something good...ah, you look like Snoopy and it makes me smile, but you have smelly dog farts. - Stewie
72And we're gonna put a happy little bush right down over here, in the corner there, and that'll just be our little secret. And if you tell anyone that that bush is there, I will come to your house and I will cut you! - Bob Ross
73(to a bus load of girls) I'll be Charlie and all of you can be my angels. Except you. You be Bosley.- Peter
74That piece of ass gets to marry that tall glass of poop juice?!? - Stewie
My all time favorite Family Guy quote! Enough said... Well apparently not but if I keep typing...
75Nyeah - Peter pushing away kids cereal when he finds out its healthy
76Does anyone wanna buy my shirt? I'll trade you my shirt for a grilled cheese - Stewie
77Uh...boy, this is more awkward than having sex with a rhinoceros who doesn't love you anymore. - Peter Griffen
Peter says this after Dr. Hartman calls him fat. I laughed for ages after I saw this.
78Cool Whip! - Stewie
79Okay what... the f***? - Stewie after Brian walks in dressed in a tank-top, jeans, white sneakers, backwards hat and shades.
80Umm..okay..uhh..all right.. fire truck.. fire truck fire truck fire truck fire truck. What color are those red fire trucks? - Peter Griffin
An idiot, fat guy saying something as idiotic as this.. Whats more funny?
81Hey, I f***** your dad. - Brian Griffin
This is the best scene ever, Brian slept with Quagmire's dad after he had a sex change. Quagmire then beats up Brian and tells him to lie on the floor and die. Brian then comes to the door says the line and slams the door.
82Peter: Ok, here's another riddle. A woman has two children. A homicidal murderer tells her she can only keep one. Which one does she let him kill? Brian: That's not a riddle. That's ... that's just terrible. Peter: Wrong, the ugly one!
83Got my teacup here, now all I need is a teabag. That something that interests you my friend? - Stewie
84I'm Han Solo, captain of the Millenium Falcon, and the only actor whose career isn't destroyed by this movie. - Peter
85Umm.... we're playing house. - Stewie
86Uh oh, spidoodeos - Stewie when he tries to lift a barbel
87Guess Who? - Herbert
88I'd leave my ass behind if it wasn't so perfectly attached to my sternum. - Peter
89Well excuse me for being retarded. My whole world is turned upside-down. Black is east, up is white - Peter Griffin
90pow right in the kisser..............................................
91Hey Hogzilla, seen my hot wife? (Peter to fat Lois)
92Paul... HAHAHAHA Paul.... Thats a persons name... haha.. a persons name. - Adam West
93I'm so hungry I could ride a horse. - Chris Griffin
94Hey, Do Me a Favor and Look at That Fire Extinguisher? - Peter
95Hi, I'm Tom Tucker and coming up, that bush in the park is my bush... my bush.
96I'm talking about go! *punches himself* That's what I'm talkin about. First one's on the house. - Stewie after taking steroids
97House... Roadhouse. - Dialogue between Peter and Dr. House
98And boom goes the dynamite! - Cleveland
99Coming up next, Diane's weight - Tom Tucker
100Chris: My dad is smarter than your dad. Meg: We have the same dad idiot. Chris: Yeah, but my mine's smarter!