The Top Ten Family Guy Quotes

The best one liners from the most irreverant show on network television. Only because it is animated do the writers get away with all the stuff they do. Don't agree with the list? Place your vote or if you are a logged in, add a new item for others to vote on.

Vote for "You'd better watch who you're calling a child, Lois. Because if I'm a child, you know what that makes you? A Pedophile. And I'll be damned if I'm gonna be lectured by a pervert." - Peter Griffin 1) "You'd better watch who you're calling a child, Lois. Because if I'm a child, you know what that makes you? A Pedophile. And I'll be damned if I'm gonna be lectured by a pervert." - Peter Griffin

“ahah yea this is one of my favorites beside "giggedy giggedy" heheh”


Vote for "So, is there any tread left on the tires? Or at this point would it be like throwing a hot dog down a hallway?" - Stewie Griffin (to one of the prostitutes at Cleveland's house) 2) "So, is there any tread left on the tires? Or at this point would it be like throwing a hot dog down a hallway?" - Stewie Griffin (to one of the prostitutes at Cleveland's house)


Vote for "Woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah... Lois, this is not my Batman glass." - Peter Griffin 3) "Woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah... Lois, this is not my Batman glass." - Peter Griffin

“By Far the 2nd best qoute in family guy history”

arhymemaster


Vote for "I've got an idea--an idea so smart that my head would explode if I even began to know what I'm talking about." - Peter Griffin 4) "I've got an idea--an idea so smart that my head would explode if I even began to know what I'm talking about." - Peter Griffin


Vote for "Mum mum mum mum mummy mummy mummy mummy Lois........ Hi"- Stewie 5) "Mum mum mum mum mummy mummy mummy mummy Lois........ Hi"- Stewie


Vote for "Hey, mother, I come bearing a gift. I'll give you a hint. It's in my diaper and it's not a toaster." - Stewie Griffin 6) "Hey, mother, I come bearing a gift. I'll give you a hint. It's in my diaper and it's not a toaster." - Stewie Griffin


Vote for "Hello, 911? It’s Quagmire. Yeah, it’s caught in the window this time." - Glen Quagmire 7) "Hello, 911? It’s Quagmire. Yeah, it’s caught in the window this time." - Glen Quagmire


Vote for "Ha ha ha, oh my God! I almost didn't do it, I almost didn't do it! I thought, is this in bad taste? But you know what, I went for it. I went for it and I'm so glad I did! Ooooh, worth it, totally worth it." - Stewie Griffin (after tripping Pete 8) "Ha ha ha, oh my God! I almost didn't do it, I almost didn't do it! I thought, is this in bad taste? But you know what, I went for it. I went for it and I'm so glad I did! Ooooh, worth it, totally worth it." - Stewie Griffin (after tripping Pete

“This is by far my favorite moment of family guy”


Vote for "Because you touch yourself at night" - Museum tour guide to a child Peter Griffin after asking why the dinosaurs died 9) "Because you touch yourself at night" - Museum tour guide to a child Peter Griffin after asking why the dinosaurs died

“giggedy giggedy”

“This one cracks me up every time!”


Vote for "I'm not going to call an ambulance this time because if I do you won't learn anything." - Brian 10) "I'm not going to call an ambulance this time because if I do you won't learn anything." - Brian


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Choices Not In The Top Ten

Vote for "Excuse me, is your refrigerator running? Because if it is, it probably runs like you - very homosexually." - Peter Griffin 11) "Excuse me, is your refrigerator running? Because if it is, it probably runs like you - very homosexually." - Peter Griffin

 

Vote for "That was ’Me Farting by Chopin?’" (Stewie after accidentally farting while playing the French horn) 12) "That was ’Me Farting by Chopin?’" (Stewie after accidentally farting while playing the French horn)

“Saw this last night for the first time - I was still laughing about it this morning!”

“Classic”

 

Vote for "I’d do her... do her... wouldn’t do her.... Whew! who hasn’t done her?! ...Lose the pigtails and we’ll talk..." - Stewie Griffin 13) "I’d do her... do her... wouldn’t do her.... Whew! who hasn’t done her?! ...Lose the pigtails and we’ll talk..." - Stewie Griffin

 

Vote for "Hello Sally, h-hey its Peter Griffen. Yeah, that's right, senior prom, yeah it's been a while..so listen, um, I just found out that Im retarted and um, I'm just calling to let you know that uh, you might want to get yourself tested 14) "Hello Sally, h-hey its Peter Griffen. Yeah, that's right, senior prom, yeah it's been a while..so listen, um, I just found out that Im retarted and um, I'm just calling to let you know that uh, you might want to get yourself tested

 

Vote for "Those freakin elves man, they came outta the trees, they just came outta the trees man" - Snap to Pop and Crackle after they got jumped by the Keebler gang 15) "Those freakin elves man, they came outta the trees, they just came outta the trees man" - Snap to Pop and Crackle after they got jumped by the Keebler gang

“My personal favorite”

preachinpreach

 

Vote for Buttscratcher! Buttscrather! Buttscratcher! - Peter Griffin 16) Buttscratcher! Buttscrather! Buttscratcher! - Peter Griffin

“I love this one”

ziggy22

“My fave one”

 

Vote for "When I stick this army guy with the sharp bayonette up my nose, it tickles my brain. Hah hah hah ... ow. Oh, now I don't know math." - Chris Griffin 17) "When I stick this army guy with the sharp bayonette up my nose, it tickles my brain. Hah hah hah ... ow. Oh, now I don't know math." - Chris Griffin

“I did that once and I forgot math too.”

 

Vote for ''giggity giggity giggity'' - Quagmire 18) ''giggity giggity giggity'' - Quagmire

“THIS SHOULD BE NUMBER 1”

clerkatron

“omg how is this not #1? ITS A CLASSIC!”

LightningFast4

 

Vote for "Nothing says "Obey Me" like a bloody head on a fence post!" - Stewie Griffin 19) "Nothing says "Obey Me" like a bloody head on a fence post!" - Stewie Griffin

“Sound’s like somthing id say
”

 

Vote for "Yes, but no sprinkles. For every sprinkle I find... I shall kill you." - Stewie Griffin 20) "Yes, but no sprinkles. For every sprinkle I find... I shall kill you." - Stewie Griffin

 

Vote for "I didn’t have gas for the first time until I was 30." [farts] "What the hell was that?" - Peter Griffin 21) "I didn’t have gas for the first time until I was 30." [farts] "What the hell was that?" - Peter Griffin

 

Vote for "Hello there, Kyle. You like nice today. I see you’re wearing your big shorts with the baggy leg holes that flutter so carelessly in the breeze. Would like to come in for a glass of wine and a cupcake?" - Herbert 22) "Hello there, Kyle. You like nice today. I see you’re wearing your big shorts with the baggy leg holes that flutter so carelessly in the breeze. Would like to come in for a glass of wine and a cupcake?" - Herbert

 

Vote for Oh God, It's everywhere.... It's even in my racoon wounds! - Peter Griffin 23) Oh God, It's everywhere.... It's even in my racoon wounds! - Peter Griffin

“After Peter get knocked over in a portable toilet.”

 

Vote for "I spit in your mouth when you sleep!" - Stewie Griffin 24) "I spit in your mouth when you sleep!" - Stewie Griffin

 

Vote for "I felt guilty once, but she woke up halfway through." - Quagmire 25) "I felt guilty once, but she woke up halfway through." - Quagmire

“Great”

 

Vote for Bill Cosby: "Stewie, what do you think candy is made out of?" Stewie Griffin: "Sunshine and farts! What the hell kind of question is that?!" 26) Bill Cosby: "Stewie, what do you think candy is made out of?" Stewie Griffin: "Sunshine and farts! What the hell kind of question is that?!"

“Funniest thing I’ve ever heard!!!”

Jeheffiner

 

Vote for "Hold the pickles! God help you if I find pickles!!!" - Stewie to the flight attendant 27) "Hold the pickles! God help you if I find pickles!!!" - Stewie to the flight attendant

 

Vote for Who the hell do you think you are!? - Stewie 28) Who the hell do you think you are!? - Stewie

 

Vote for "By all means, turn me into a child star. Perhaps I can move to Californ-i-ay and wrangle me a three-way with the Olsen twins." - Stewie 29) "By all means, turn me into a child star. Perhaps I can move to Californ-i-ay and wrangle me a three-way with the Olsen twins." - Stewie

 

Vote for I say mother, this hotdog has been on my plate for a full minute and it hasn't cut itself. - Stewie Griffin 30) I say mother, this hotdog has been on my plate for a full minute and it hasn't cut itself. - Stewie Griffin

“lol”

 

Vote for Cut my milk! - Stewie Griffin 31) Cut my milk! - Stewie Griffin

 

Vote for "Now that you can't see, let's do a little vision test. What is this? A poopie or a Toblerone?" - Stewie Griffin after he breaks Meg Griffin's glasses 32) "Now that you can't see, let's do a little vision test. What is this? A poopie or a Toblerone?" - Stewie Griffin after he breaks Meg Griffin's glasses

 

Vote for "Hey there, you like popscicles? I got a whole cellar full of popscicles." - Herbert the Pervert 33) "Hey there, you like popscicles? I got a whole cellar full of popscicles." - Herbert the Pervert

 


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