The Funniest Stand-up Comedians
Who REALLY makes you bust-a-gut laughing. Don't agree with the list? Place your vote or if you are a logged in, add a new item for others to vote on.
“There’s very little advice in men’s magazines, because men don’t think there’s a lot they don’t know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, ’I know what I’m doing, just show me somebody naked.’”
“He is my idol!”
“The simplicity of Jerry Seinfeld’s jokes is his strength. His ability to observe things that we just take for granted is his source of superior comedy!”
2)
Dane Cook
“"YOUR AN F-N RIOT!"”
“Hi can i take your order- WHOPPER!!!!”
“dane rulez ||
”
“Best guy ever..
’Whats your chinese name’
Tap-sum-bong
’Isn’t that like getting high’”
“OMG I laugh at his jokes no matter how many times I hear them... I love this joke though:
"you know women talk all buissness on the phone and men talk pure do-do"
"you hear a woman talking and the phone and shes like-yeah id like chairs with that and have your people call my people okay-(phone turns off)"
"you hear men on the phone and they try to make it look cool- talk to me... yeah.. oh.. lap danceing I’ll meet you there (turns off phone) buissness baby buissness (he says to wife)"”
“russell peters is good man... I can’t believe dane cook is ahead of the rest though... well I guess people either hate him or love him”
“he talked about what he believed and it was haylarious i am going to miss him”
“The best comedian ever...”
“all-timer”
5)
Steve Martin
“I gave my cat a bath the other day. . .they love it. He sat there, he enjoyed it, it was fun for me. The fur would stick to my tongue, but other than that. . .”
“’Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.’”
“I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too. R.I.P. Mitch”
“The way mitch hedberg looks at the world is completely different from anyone else’s. I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too! it’s brilliant to make those connections.”
“Time and time again I will watch the same things, but it only gets funnier. This guy is funny throughout his career, unlike some comedians. You cannot sit still watching this guy, he will make you hurt from laughing so hard.”
“He is funny as hell especially in his 2000 special”
“Grape Drank, any time I hear this part I will laugh, The Funniest Comedian in my mind, number 1 for sure”
“’We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.’”
“it is a tragic injustice that this man is not number 1. he is a brilliant artist.”
“the best
”
“He should be #1”
“Katt Williams is one of the funniest comedians ever. If you haven’t seen american hustle then thats why he isn’t number one vote him up there”
“wtf all the other guys are retarded kat is the most funny”
10)
Chris Rock
“hilarious!”
“He can always make me laugh and put a smile on my face!!”
“now i have a kid is nothing cuz even "roaches have kids too" i looked my daughter in the eye and relized my goal in parenting is to keep her off the poll!!”
Choices Not In The Top Ten...
11) Richard Pryor
“’A sold-out house my first night back. Do you have any idea what kinda pressure that is? I could have been at home in my warm bed, playing Nintendo.’”
“Richard Pryor is the best even robin williams said it himself. noone comes close.Richard didnt only do comedy he gave a lot and brought whites and black together.this is the only guy who has tears coming out of my eyes when i watch him. Rest in peace buddy”
“Although Bill Hicks is my favourite, I think, technically, Pryor was the best.”
12) Eddie Izzard
“fish in the sky and a big monkey pie...”
“he is simply the best!!! Can’t bloody belive that he ain’t in the top ten! He should be nr. 1! CAKE OR DEATH!”
“Eddie is fantastic, he has a way of looking at the world which will make you laugh without him having to insult anyone to get laughs”
13) Brian Regan
“This man is the funniest comedian I have ever seen.”
“Back Seat! Feet on the Hump!”
“The best thing about Brian Regan is that he is the BEST stand up comedian out there and he doesn’t have to lower himself to vulgar language or nasty humor... thank God for Brian Regan! He’s funny for EVERYONE!”
14) Bill Hicks
“Although dead his shows are still insanely accurate to the current times. I sometimes have to pause and remind myself that he is not talking about the 2000’s.
Best comedian by far. He could assault the crowd and then bring them back in at any moment.”
“bill did a lot of good. r.i.p man.”
“you wanna know politics in America?
-i think the puppet on the right shares my beliefs.
-i think the puppet on the left shares mine..
HEY! its 1 guy holding up 2 puppets!
Thats right America Go Back to bed.
Your Government Is Under Control.
Heres American Gladiators. Shut Up and Watch That. Heres 156 Channels of it!
”
15) Lewis Black
“If it weren’t for my horse, I never would have spent that year in college.”
“Great energy... the funniest "critic"... ever... he speaks the truth while bein’ pssed off... he’s hilarious”
“Love the attitude, love the guy”
16) Eddie Murphy
“Eddie Murphy no second thought. All these people don’t know what comedy is and have to do insults and putdowns just to make them seem funny, Eddie Murphy is naturally funny. Don’t believe me check out some of his programs mentioning some like Beverly Hills Cop 1,2, and 3. He is awesome and has been doing it strong and well for more than 20 years. Will Smith is great as well.”
“Should Be at least in the Top Ten if not in the Top Five”
“eddie is the best!!!!!!!”
17) Lee Evans
“Have you seen his work? It’s so funny!”
“I think this guy should be number one because you look at his videos then you look at Jerry Seinfeld’s videos and there is a big difference going positive on lee evan’s side.”
“lee evans is without as doubt the best standup ever. this is purely because absolute everyone no matter what age can relate to his material. yes some other comedians are really good, but aren’t really for all ages. most are to indepth and doesn’t come across as funny. whereas lee evans is straight to the point.”
18) Jeff Dunham
“Achmed the Dead Terrorist rocks!”
“Jeff Dunhams innovative style, wide range of comedic jokes of situations and events, and amazing talent at comedy with and without his dummies makes him the best comedian I’ve ever seen.”
“dont drop me say the jose,"do a little tap dance and we got salsa"
shut up peanut,"sorry jose",it’s ok i kill him later"”
19) Demetri Martin
“I like rainbows, but I’m not gay. that’s pretty selfish, gays. stealing all the rainbows.”
“Seriously see him live. I had so much fun.”
“If I ever saw a amputee being hanged I would just starting yelling out letters.”
20) Ellen Degeneres
“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is.”
“I can’t believe she is number 14! SHE’S SO FUNNY, I LAUGH MY ASS OFF EVERY TIME I WATCH HER STAND-UPS!”
“I love her but not in a lesbo way.”
21) Jim Gaffigan
“his general attitude towards everything is the best”
“HOT POCKETS!”
“Jim Gaffigan is right up there with my other favorite, Brian Regan. He’s hilarious without having to be nasty... that’s true talent... thank God for Jim Gaffigan!”
22) Pablo Francisco
“you have to watch him to get the most laughs!
”
“who did not vote for him he don’t know him.”
“he is defenetely one of the best 5 comedians EVER..."what eveeer"...lol.. is not stand up, it’s impressionation, sound effects, faces, the whole-nine-yards.....i guess people need to wath him....”
23) Billy Connolly
“’Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.’”
“Billy Connelly is one of the oldest comedians on the list and he still is the best!”
“billy connolly is the funniest man alive, the only reason he isn’t number 1 in most charts is because some americans and australians don’t get some of his jokes.”
24) George Lopez
“Funniest Dude Alive”
“I don’t think he’s # 1 but he is hillarious
regardless if he’s Hispanic Asian White Black purple or blue he should be in the top 10.”
“He would be number one if the voters were hispanic.”
25) Carlos Mencia
“I think he’s the funniest.”
“"Dee Dee Dee"”
26) Daniel Tosh
“he should be #1.”
“just great”
“"Sometimes when things aren’t going right, I like to take a home pregnancy test, that away I can utter the phrase, ’at least I’m not pregnant’. "”
27) Steven Wright
“’A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.’”
“I named my dog stay. He went insane. Come here, Stay.
That’s pure absurdity and at the same time, pure genius.”
“Steven Wright -No One Thinks from outside the box as Steven. He uses words and verbal images that make you think, Steven toss out an handgrenade and waits for it to go off, then 3-2-1 oh you got it. Master of controling the Audience.
”
28) Bill Cosby
“All he did was stand up there and tell stories, but they were the best stories we have ever heard. Every story he tells is relevant to real life and he is able to get you belly laughing without resorting to obscenity. Truly a class act.”
“Bill Cosby is one of the best of all time. Just off of the simple fact that he can entertain without using fowl language is classic. He is definitely in MY top 5.”
“Totally agree. Bill Cosby is a great comedian. He’s the best. His sense of humour is simple, smart, ironic and clean.”
29) John Pinette
“John pinette should be much much higher. He is easily the funniest man on the face of the earth!”
“He’s not under rated as far as I can tell. His summer tour started in January, and did about half the year of shows. I’m trying to see him December 2007 in Las Vegas, but he is not doing any shows, and I think he’s on vacation. I would want to be if I toured half the year. Though he is the most famous, in the sense of Jerry Seinfield, he will one day if he’s ever on television series or in a movie. And who knows, maybe John perfers to not be extra ordinary famous, and prefers only to be famously talented famous. Love him!”
“He’s not under rated as far as I can tell. His summer tour started in January, and did about half the year of shows. I’m trying to see him December 2007 in Las Vegas, but he is not doing any shows, and I think he’s on vacation. I would want to be if I toured half the year. Though he is the most famous, in the sense of Jerry Seinfield, he will one day if he’s ever on television series or in a movie. And who knows, maybe John prefers to not be extra ordinary famous, and prefers only to be famously talented famous. Love him!”
30) Nick Swardson
“His stand-up had me laughing for an hour. I love him, I couldn’t even pick one quote. Great stories :)”
“Nick Swardson, Omg- I want to marry that man- hes so hiarious! how can he not be in the top 10??”
“i really have no idea how hes not on here. hes one of the best along with brian regean, demetri martin and jim gaffigan”
31) Jimmy Carr
“Everyones talking about the Sex-Offenders register, personally I Don’t even think they should be in School”
“Jimmy Carr is a legend, should be No.1”
“"I don’t use Votophone because I don’t like their advertising slogan- Join the world’s largest mobile community.. Correct me if I’m wrong... That’s the gypsies."
”
32) Gabriel Iglesias
“he is so funny... I love his jokes he should be on the top.. and for the record hes not fat hes FLUFFY!”
“Hilarious FLUFFY guy! Pee-in-my-pants funny! Check out his krispy kreme doughnut bit on youtube.”
“"But it was funny wasn’t it?" Funny stuff”
33) Louis C. K.
“This guy is hilarious. Go watch him on You Tube or something.”
“Louis CK is amazing. Best and most experience stand up comedian there is. He is easily the most underrated Stand Up artist ever. This is the guy Dane Cook stole jokes from people. That says it all.”
“No comedian has made me laugh harder than Louis C.K. I’m talking about genuine gut-busting laughter that made my eyes water and stomach double over in pain.”
34) Ricky Gervais
“Pure genious!”
“"My sister is covered with moles..."”
“Love him, yep, yep I love Him Done the right way!”
“Haha I love Larry The Cable Guy, Because My cousin’s husband is from the South and acts just like him, and looks just like him. If you saw them side by side at the bar you would think they were brother’s tryin to pick up the hot waitresses saying We’ll Get Her Done! Wink Wink and then turns around with a cigar in their mouth.”
36) Jeff Foxworthy
“’If you own a home with wheels on it and several cars without, you just might be a redneck.’”
“HES SOO FUNNY”
“"If you go to the Family Reunion to meet women, you might be a Redneck..."”
“Without Rodney, you would have never heard of your boy at the top. Time for that respect!”
“He should be top 10 for sure
”
“absolutely funny. I still watch his movies. His sense of humor is special.”
38) Doug Stanhope
“"Only in America can you get charged $5 for pleasing yourself! "”
“Doug is brilliant !”
39) Lisa Lampanelli
“She’s better than Dane Cook! c’mon be real! All hail the Queen of Mean! =)”
“she dosent care what u say she is herself and proud about it she had me rolling on the floor love her!!!”
40) Jim Carrey
“Besy physical comedian of all time. His facial expressions and actions are out of this world!”
“Best comedian EVER! He does’nt just do it for us in his movies, he does it for all his co-actors! Unlike Eddie Murphy:(”
41) Ross Noble
“Mr RANDOMINATION, he’s a genius”
42) Chris Titus
“I randomly found this guy and he is hilarious. I think he should be higher.”
“He’s hilarious. I want to get a DVD of him so that I can watch him over and over and over again!”
43) Rodney Carrington
“Hands down the funniest man alive. He can make anything funny...and yet he can relate to anyone out there. That’s his strength”
“Rodney deserves at least top 20. Just watch his Live at the Majestic performance and you’ll agree.”
44) Kathy Griffin
“My niece and nephew are here for the weekend. It’s time to act like I like kids.”
45) Ron White
“Best border-line alcoholic in the biz.”
“He Rocks! My Humor!”
“He’s funny when he’s up on stage holdin his beverages.”
46) Patton Oswalt
“he is the best..”
47) Bill Bailey
“Bill is the best comedian ever! I went to see his Part Troll show, and I nearly fell out of my chair laughing!”
“my mind is starting to unravel, like a tapestry and some angry KITTENS!”
48) Emo Phillips
“’A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.’”
49) Margaret Cho
“"Asian Chicken Salad......Asian Chicken Salad......*gulp*....Chicken Salad...."
”
50) Denis Leary
“He is deff ranked too low. He is by far a top 10, maybe not number 1 but deff top 10!”
51) Sam Kinison
“best of his time”
52) Cedric The Entertainer
“come on now cedirc is one of the best if you dont knock this list off cause this is bull”
53) Mike Birbiglia
“cracker please”
“"I went to a dance club the other night, which was timely, because my self-esteem had been hovering around normal and I’d been meaning to knock it down to -1000. "”
“"I went to the doctor the other day and they told me there was something in my bladder. But it’s never anything good, like, we found something... aaaand it’s season tickets to the Yankees! "”
54) Dylan Moran
“muscle-achingly funny”
“Awesome humor.”
55) Tommy Tiernan
“a natural observasionalist.”
“Pure comedy genius. No one can tell a story like him and generate so many laughs before the punch line.”
56) Dave Attell
“Not just an insomniac. Hysterical.”
57) Bill Burr
“He is frikin hilarious! You must see at least one of his acts.”
58) Arnez J
“I couldn’t breathe listening to him because was laughing so hard”
“he is so funny”
59) Ralphie May
“Always FUNNY!”
“"Where’s my ’shut the hell up’ cards?"
"I saw a bullet today...that stands for bald mullet. I also saw a f’mullet, the female mullet. That’s like the unicorn of mullets, you don’t see that very often."
"Word of advice for men. You can either be right...or you can be happy."”
60) Sinbad
“The best standup comedian of alltime. Comedy Central used to air his specials, and two of them are the funniest I’ve ever seen.”
“He’s the funniest guy living on this planet!”
61) Stephen Lynch
“No quotes for this singing comedian. This guy deserves to be in the top ten. Every one of his songs has me rolling on the floor, and he’s great at improvising.”
62) Frank Caliendo
“frank is one of the best comedians out there! top ten for sure!”
“wow, he should definitely be higher”
“Frank’s comedy is brilliant and I can’t wait to actually see him live!”
63) Noel Fielding
“Pure funny madness”
64) Bill Engval
“here’s your sign....”
65) Robert Schimmel
“Definately top 10”
66) Bernie Mac
“One of the original kings of camedy, if hes act was 45 mints, then u’ll get a punch line of 45 mints......what ever that means!”
67) Jim Norton
“Jimmy Norton is filthy, disgusting, offensive, and down right hilarious.”
68) David Cross
“having kids isnt hard. talking your girlfriend in to her 3rd consecutive abortion, now that takes finesse.”
69) Mitch Fatel
“This guy is "thuh best"!!!”
“Hilarious. In my opinion, funniest comedian today.”
70) Owen Benjamin
“He’s got the best videos on myspace! You gotta check him out!”
“Love this guy!”
“"Astrology is like Dungeons & Dragons for chics, except the difference is the D & D kids knew it wasn’t real. Ya know, like you’ll never see a D & D kid at a bar like, "I’m not gonna date her, she’s like a 9th level wizard with four hit points- Yeah, like I’d do that again!"”
71) Jack Dee
“Funniest guy i have ever heard”
72) Kyle Cease
73) Artie Lange
“Artie is hilarious. Quick witted and great on the Howard Stern Show. He is honest and NOT pc. so refreshing.”
“funniest guy in the game today he’s blown up in both his career and stomach
”
74) Redd Foxx
“" Now Esther they should’ve run over your face"”
75) Dat Phan
“freakkkkin hilarious asian boy”
“Funny asian man, who nobody knows about”
76) Lenny Bruce
“Just about all the comedians on this list owe a little bit to Lenny for pushing the boundaries of free speech.”
77) Bill Maher
78) Jon Stewart
“funniest stand-up I’ve seen, covers every aspect of society in the funniest way possible”
79) Dave Allen
“One of the innovators of the genre. Loved all over the world. The guy really was a genius and is sadly missed. And may your god go with you.”
80) Will Weldon
“friggin hilarious”
81) Joe Rogan
“Joe Rogan is definitely the best. He discusses real issues and not the typical everyday gender and race jokes.”
“"Some of the funniest comedy bits I’ve seen...you need to youtube him, he calls out Carlos Mencia for taking other peoples’ jokes"”
82) Heywood Banks
“an absolute riot”
“You gotta see in person”
83) Jim Breuer
“His Sirius radio show is best comedy show I have ever heard.”
84) D.L. Hughley
“he’s da best stand-up comedian..i have ever seen! his jokes are off da hook”
85) Laura Prosko
“Very clever jokes! Talented host and comedienne! Very funny lady!”
86) Russell Howard
“his 6 music podcast is well worth a download. very funny”
“What? Russ hasn’t reached here to hack/ bribe/ magically change the utter untruth that he would rate 68th on this list? The reincarnate of Peter Pan deserves more that that! Like a pat on the head and 6”
“freakin hilarious
"who did this to you?...umm dragons"”
87) Louie Anderson
“My feeling is Louie Anderson, is the most funny comic, that ever lived. I love louie and want to always be on his side. He’s the best now and forever.
Much love to lou, and many prayers.”
88) Brett Butler
“Intelligent, insightful, inspiring and just plain in-your-face. If she were a man I bet she’d be further up the list. As it is, she was not even considered herein. So I registered just to add Ms. Brett because she’s absolutely hilarious! Hope to see more of her here in the near future.
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine? "
"It depends, " I replied. "What does it say on your shirt? "
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma. "
And they say blondes are dumb...
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world. "
The woman replies, "I’ll miss you... "
"It’s just too hot to wear clothes today, " Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed the lawn like this? "
"Probably that I married you for your money, " she replied.
He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said - That’s a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumour
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A: To stop the snoring before it starts.
Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Q: What is the difference between men and women?
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"
”
89) J. Medicine Hat
90) Neil Delamere
“Probably never heard of him but hilarious”
91) Carl Hurley
“If I could invite 2 guys to my house for Dinner, and one could NOT be Jesus, then the other one WOULD be Carl Hurley.”
“Pretty old school, but awesome clean humor. Easily one of the funniest old timers out there.”
“Pretty old school, but awesome clean humor. Easily one of the funniest old timers out there.”
92) Omid Djalili
“I think he’s the funniest. Absolutely loved his recent shows on the BBC. Even if he doesn’t speak, his face is funny enough to laugh at.”
“hilarius iranian comedian”
93) Dawn French
“Funny Woman!!!!
”
94) Russell Brand
“he is a genius!
’I did make the tiny mistake, on september the 12th as going to work, at MTV, dressed as a certain Osama Bin Laden... ’”
95) Tim Conway
96) Kevin James
“"I went waterskiing and I found out that I scream the exact same if a great white attacks me...or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
That’s a moment I want back right there, ’GET ME IN THE BOAT!’
’Why?’
’YUCKY TOES!’”
“Sweat the Small Stuff - watch it! Hilariousness. Material, facial expressions, delivery... all of it is on point.”
97) Judy Gold
98) John Bizarre
“Extremely entertaining!!!”
99) David A. Arnold
“Definitely one of the top 10 funniest comedians.”
“One of the best up and coming Comedians I’ve seen.”
100) Woody Allen
“I was kicked out of college for cheating on my Metaphysics exam. I peered into the soul of the boy sitting next to me. - Woody Allen”
