The Funniest Stand-up Comedians

“I gave my cat a bath the other day. . .they love it. He sat there, he enjoyed it, it was fun for me. The fur would stick to my tongue, but other than that. . .”

“possibly the greatest stand up ever. I really want this guy higher”

Cantonez

“fish in the sky and a big monkey pie...”

“he is simply the best!!! Can’t bloody belive that he ain’t in the top ten! He should be nr. 1! CAKE OR DEATH!”

“Chicken pot pie: my 3 favorite things...”

greatwallofseb

“This man is the funniest comedian I have ever seen.”

“Back Seat! Feet on the Hump!”

“How is Richard Pryor freaking 14? Really nobody on this entire list is as funny as Pryor...I truly don’t get it”

ahaleysr

“Everybody should watch him before voting to others. Still laughing 1 month after hearing his jokes haha”

BigZ

“How in the world he is not in the top 3 is way beyond belief IMHO.”

RonvaeW

“he is better than number 14!
way better kiss my A** funny”

basetwins

“amazing”

nbaallstar

“no one can beat him, he’s hilarious with his puppets.”

hammett45

“How can Jeff Dunham get voted higher up than Bill Hicks? If Hicks was still alive, I’m sure that he’d draw a comparison between what’s wrong with society & the fact that Dunham had a #1 show... it’s like American Gladiator’s all over again (lol). "We’re a virus with shoes, ok?" Lines like that were absolute & complete geniusness at a level that will never be reached again.”

MisterK

“The only reason he’s not in the top 5 is because he died to early and many people didn’t see him. The most thought-provoking comedian ever? He was a genius.”

corebare32

“I’m shocked that he’s behind dane cook
but he is the best ever
open your third eye”

blaqksails92

“best comedian ever should be number 1”

zach3495

“has played in one of the largest stadiums in the world and is immensely funny... if this were a British site he would be higher up”

Jonuskong

“legend”

FOSTER69a

“You know, guts and balls can mean the same thing up to a point. You could say ’that guy has guts/balls’. What you can’t say is ’You know, I have a ball feeling’”

fimbulwinter

“"A mobile home with no tires is a home"”

aman28

“I used to play sports. But then I found out you can buy trophies. Now I’m good at everything...”

jbar62

“There is the vegetarian Hot Pocket for those of us who don’t want to eat meat, but would still like diarrhea.”

Pitcher97

“Im A Manatee

No Your A Sea Cow”

ANGELWARHEAD

“his general attitude towards everything is the best”

“with no doubt one of the greatest comedian”

MatrixGuy

“Eddie Murphy no second thought. All these people don’t know what comedy is and have to do insults and putdowns just to make them seem funny, Eddie Murphy is naturally funny. Don’t believe me check out some of his programs mentioning some like Beverly Hills Cop 1,2, and 3. He is awesome and has been doing it strong and well for more than 20 years. Will Smith is great as well.”

Undertaker15-0

“Should Be at least in the Top Ten if not in the Top Five”

“If it weren’t for my horse, I never would have spent that year in college.”

“Great energy... the funniest "critic"... ever... he speaks the truth while bein’ pssed off... he’s hilarious”

schmidyschmidybangbang

“Love the attitude, love the guy”

Mickthecook

“he is so funny... I love his jokes he should be on the top.. and for the record hes not fat hes FLUFFY!”

“Hilarious FLUFFY guy! Pee-in-my-pants funny! Check out his krispy kreme doughnut bit on youtube.”

“"But it was funny wasn’t it?" Funny stuff”

“you have to watch him to get the most laughs!
”

“who did not vote for him he don’t know him.”

“he is defenetely one of the best 5 comedians EVER..."what eveeer"...lol.. is not stand up, it’s impressionation, sound effects, faces, the whole-nine-yards.....i guess people need to wath him....”

“tosh is awesome... btw is that you daniel tosh? saying you deserve #1? it just sounds like something he’d do.. wwdd (what would daniel do) home pregnency test of course!”

myopinionactaulycounts

“he should be #1.”

“just great”

“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is.”

“should be number one”

ilovekelly75

“I can’t believe she is number 14! SHE’S SO FUNNY, I LAUGH MY ASS OFF EVERY TIME I WATCH HER STAND-UPS!”

“can’t stop making me laugh”

armedfed

“he’s probably the funniest mofo I will ever see”

shamus94

“Funniest Dude Alive”

smosh28lollipop

“’Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.’”

“Billy Connelly is one of the oldest comedians on the list and he still is the best!”

Madman

“billy connolly is the funniest man alive, the only reason he isn’t number 1 in most charts is because some americans and australians don’t get some of his jokes.”

“This guy is hilarious. Go watch him on You Tube or something.”

rocknrolla

“Louis CK is amazing. Best and most experience stand up comedian there is. He is easily the most underrated Stand Up artist ever. This is the guy Dane Cook stole jokes from people. That says it all.”

“No comedian has made me laugh harder than Louis C.K. I’m talking about genuine gut-busting laughter that made my eyes water and stomach double over in pain.”

“I can’t believe he’s not in the top ten! I haven’t even heard of any of the comedians that are in the top ten. He’s way funnier than Eddie Izzard or Jimmy carr combined the fact that has less votes than them is insulting
”

samm1

“Pure genious!”

megafillan

“All he did was stand up there and tell stories, but they were the best stories we have ever heard. Every story he tells is relevant to real life and he is able to get you belly laughing without resorting to obscenity. Truly a class act.”

“He’s the only good CLEAN comedian”

masterwoods

“Cosby is top 5 hands! down how is dane cook ahead of him? Cook is possibly the worst”

Chris-1

“funniest beaner ever”

shamus94

“I think he’s the funniest.”

“"Dee Dee Dee"”

“’A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.’”

“I named my dog stay. He went insane. Come here, Stay.
That’s pure absurdity and at the same time, pure genius.”

walter34

“Steven Wright -No One Thinks from outside the box as Steven. He uses words and verbal images that make you think, Steven toss out an handgrenade and waits for it to go off, then 3-2-1 oh you got it. Master of controling the Audience.
”

“"Only in America can you get charged $5 for pleasing yourself! "”

“Doug is brilliant !”

“love his dvd I’m starvin
”

gunsnroses44

“John pinette should be much much higher. He is easily the funniest man on the face of the earth!”

“He’s not under rated as far as I can tell. His summer tour started in January, and did about half the year of shows. I’m trying to see him December 2007 in Las Vegas, but he is not doing any shows, and I think he’s on vacation. I would want to be if I toured half the year. Though he is the most famous, in the sense of Jerry Seinfield, he will one day if he’s ever on television series or in a movie. And who knows, maybe John perfers to not be extra ordinary famous, and prefers only to be famously talented famous. Love him!”

“SO FUNNY! OF DUMB AND DUMBER, AND HOW DID numetalhead GET AWAY WITH SAYING bitch ON DAVE CHAPPELLE NUMBER 5 ON THIS LIST? OMG I GOT AWAY WITH IT TOO WOHO!”

Thomas245

“Best comedian ever! I GOT THE POWER...”

JonathanMartini1231

“He is the best from Hollywood”

MatrixGuy

“Everyones talking about the Sex-Offenders register, personally I Don’t even think they should be in School”

Miles101

“Jimmy Carr is a legend, should be No.1”

“"I don’t use Votophone because I don’t like their advertising slogan- Join the world’s largest mobile community.. Correct me if I’m wrong... That’s the gypsies."

”

“His stand-up had me laughing for an hour. I love him, I couldn’t even pick one quote. Great stories :)”

“Nick Swardson, Omg- I want to marry that man- hes so hiarious! how can he not be in the top 10??”

“i really have no idea how hes not on here. hes one of the best along with brian regean, demetri martin and jim gaffigan”

“She’s better than Dane Cook! c’mon be real! All hail the Queen of Mean! =)”

“she dosent care what u say she is herself and proud about it she had me rolling on the floor love her!!!”

“legend”

FOSTER69a

“Mr RANDOMINATION, he’s a genius”

“he is the best..”

“he is great.”

selftitled

“muscle-achingly funny”

“Awesome humor.”

“hahaha so hilarious”

Okami

“I love him xD”

Bec

“Hands down the funniest man alive. He can make anything funny...and yet he can relate to anyone out there. That’s his strength”

“One of the original kings of camedy, if hes act was 45 mints, then u’ll get a punch line of 45 mints......what ever that means!”

“Without Rodney, you would have never heard of your boy at the top. Time for that respect!”

“He should be top 10 for sure
”

“absolutely funny. I still watch his movies. His sense of humor is special.”

“Haha I love Larry The Cable Guy, Because My cousin’s husband is from the South and acts just like him, and looks just like him. If you saw them side by side at the bar you would think they were brother’s tryin to pick up the hot waitresses saying We’ll Get Her Done! Wink Wink and then turns around with a cigar in their mouth.”

“Love him, yep, yep I love Him Done the right way!”

“"My sister is covered with moles..."”

“She kicks ass and doesn’t regret a single remark about it.”

sailor86

“suck it jesus, Kathy Griffin is my god now!”

tommy21

“My niece and nephew are here for the weekend. It’s time to act like I like kids.”

mcmahon

“cracker please”

DeathToMayo

“"I went to a dance club the other night, which was timely, because my self-esteem had been hovering around normal and I’d been meaning to knock it down to -1000. "”

“"I went to the doctor the other day and they told me there was something in my bladder. But it’s never anything good, like, we found something... aaaand it’s season tickets to the Yankees! "”

“Best border-line alcoholic in the biz.”

“He Rocks! My Humor!”

“He’s funny when he’s up on stage holdin his beverages.”

“He is frikin hilarious! You must see at least one of his acts.”

“Always FUNNY!”

“"Where’s my ’shut the hell up’ cards?"

"I saw a bullet today...that stands for bald mullet. I also saw a f’mullet, the female mullet. That’s like the unicorn of mullets, you don’t see that very often."

"Word of advice for men. You can either be right...or you can be happy."”

“frank is one of the best comedians out there! top ten for sure!”

“wow, he should definitely be higher”

“Frank’s comedy is brilliant and I can’t wait to actually see him live!”

“I randomly found this guy and he is hilarious. I think he should be higher.”

“He’s hilarious. I want to get a DVD of him so that I can watch him over and over and over again!”

“No quotes for this singing comedian. This guy deserves to be in the top ten. Every one of his songs has me rolling on the floor, and he’s great at improvising.”

“I couldn’t breathe listening to him because was laughing so hard”

“he is so funny”

“no 1 in the world ppl, just think twice”

sello

“come on now cedirc is one of the best if you dont knock this list off cause this is bull”

“He is deff ranked too low. He is by far a top 10, maybe not number 1 but deff top 10!”

“Rodney Dangerfield once called the funniest stand-up comic working. Now THAT’s respect!”

“best of his time”

“Definately top 10”

“’If you own a home with wheels on it and several cars without, you just might be a redneck.’”

“HES SOO FUNNY”

VIKKI

“"If you go to the Family Reunion to meet women, you might be a Redneck..."”

walter34

“a natural observasionalist.”

“Pure comedy genius. No one can tell a story like him and generate so many laughs before the punch line.”

“Bill is the best comedian ever! I went to see his Part Troll show, and I nearly fell out of my chair laughing!”

“my mind is starting to unravel, like a tapestry and some angry KITTENS!”

“having kids isnt hard. talking your girlfriend in to her 3rd consecutive abortion, now that takes finesse.”

“"I hate the pillsbury dough boy. He watches cookies getting baked and gets all excited. Those are his FRIENDS in there for God sake!"”

aman28

“Definitely a very VERY funny man!”

“he rules on Mock The Wek and his good news program on bbc3”

joezz01

“his 6 music podcast is well worth a download. very funny”

“"Asian Chicken Salad......Asian Chicken Salad......*gulp*....Chicken Salad...."

”

“here’s your sign....”

“Not just an insomniac. Hysterical.”

“’A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.’”

“The best standup comedian of alltime. Comedy Central used to air his specials, and two of them are the funniest I’ve ever seen.”

“He’s the funniest guy living on this planet!”

“Pure funny madness”

“Yes! Jimmy and ol’ Lisa Lampanelli are my absolute favs. I watch ’Monster Rain’ at least once a week... and still laugh.”

suthrnbell0105

“Jimmy Norton is filthy, disgusting, offensive, and down right hilarious.”

“he is a genius!
’I did make the tiny mistake, on september the 12th as going to work, at MTV, dressed as a certain Osama Bin Laden... ’”

“Joe Rogan is definitely the best. He discusses real issues and not the typical everyday gender and race jokes.”

“"Some of the funniest comedy bits I’ve seen...you need to youtube him, he calls out Carlos Mencia for taking other peoples’ jokes"”

“This guy is "thuh best"!!!”

“Hilarious. In my opinion, funniest comedian today.”

“One of the innovators of the genre. Loved all over the world. The guy really was a genius and is sadly missed. And may your god go with you.”

“This man is AMAZING!”

lauren_o_O

“Funniest guy i have ever heard”

“funniest stand-up I’ve seen, covers every aspect of society in the funniest way possible”

“he’s da best stand-up comedian..i have ever seen! his jokes are off da hook”

“Funniest man ever.”

“Just about all the comedians on this list owe a little bit to Lenny for pushing the boundaries of free speech.”

“I think he’s the funniest. Absolutely loved his recent shows on the BBC. Even if he doesn’t speak, his face is funny enough to laugh at.”

“hilarius iranian comedian”

“"He is hilarious"”

aman28

“"I went waterskiing and I found out that I scream the exact same if a great white attacks me...or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

That’s a moment I want back right there, ’GET ME IN THE BOAT!’

’Why?’

’YUCKY TOES!’”

“Sweat the Small Stuff - watch it! Hilariousness. Material, facial expressions, delivery... all of it is on point.”

“His Sirius radio show is best comedy show I have ever heard.”

“Artie is hilarious. Quick witted and great on the Howard Stern Show. He is honest and NOT pc. so refreshing.”

“funniest guy in the game today he’s blown up in both his career and stomach
”

“" Now Esther they should’ve run over your face"”

“Intelligent, insightful, inspiring and just plain in-your-face. If she were a man I bet she’d be further up the list. As it is, she was not even considered herein. So I registered just to add Ms. Brett because she’s absolutely hilarious! Hope to see more of her here in the near future.

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine? "

"It depends, " I replied. "What does it say on your shirt? "

He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma. "

And they say blondes are dumb...



A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world. "

The woman replies, "I’ll miss you... "



"It’s just too hot to wear clothes today, " Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed the lawn like this? "

"Probably that I married you for your money, " she replied.



He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight?

She said - That’s a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.



Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A: A rumour



Q: Why do little boys whine?

A: They are practicing to be men.



Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?

A: Trustworthy.



Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.



Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?

A: To stop the snoring before it starts.



Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?

A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.



Q: What is the difference between men and women?

A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.



Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"

”

“If I could invite 2 guys to my house for Dinner, and one could NOT be Jesus, then the other one WOULD be Carl Hurley.”

“Pretty old school, but awesome clean humor. Easily one of the funniest old timers out there.”

“Pretty old school, but awesome clean humor. Easily one of the funniest old timers out there.”

“"He told me the meaning of life but he told it to me in Hebrew. I told him I don’t understand Hebrew. Now he wants to charge me $600 for Hebrew lessons."
”

Gaspar

“I was kicked out of college for cheating on my Metaphysics exam. I peered into the soul of the boy sitting next to me. - Woody Allen”

“Funny Woman!!!!
”

“He’s got the best videos on myspace! You gotta check him out!”

“Love this guy!”

“"Astrology is like Dungeons & Dragons for chics, except the difference is the D & D kids knew it wasn’t real. Ya know, like you’ll never see a D & D kid at a bar like, "I’m not gonna date her, she’s like a 9th level wizard with four hit points- Yeah, like I’d do that again!"”

“has they best impressions HANDS DOWN”

“freakkkkin hilarious asian boy”

“Funny asian man, who nobody knows about”

“Very clever jokes! Talented host and comedienne! Very funny lady!”