Best Insults

created by heather

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1) Your birth certificate is an apology from the condom factory

“This is an exceptional little phrase which can be used in any situation, whether it be orthodox or unorthodox. Furthermore I hope that anyone who uses this cracking little nugget of pure wit uses it well, as the results could be explosive.”

“For one of my "friends", this is true!”

lcady

“this is my fav. because its so funny~!”

babylove1

read more comments on Your birth certificate is an apology from the condom factory

2) You must have been born on a highway cuz thats where most accidents happen

“i love it,, it makes me laugh much... :)”

crazymansanas9307

“rofl, I’m going to use it!”

raresel96

“if someone insulted me with this insult, I wouldn’t have a comeback”

sports11

3) Shut up, you'll never be the man your mother is

“Yeah works every time”

SmoothCriminal

“I said this to my enemy we got into a 1 minute fight and the whole time he was crying”

SmoothCriminal

“laugh out loud”

moejoe1234567

read more comments on Shut up, you'll never be the man your mother is

4) It looks light your face caught on fire and someone tried to put it out with a fork

“my dad will get so pissed when I say that”

piggy24

“thats epic pwnage theres no comeback for that”

immabe

“EPIC WIN.”

Lozza

5) Dumbass

“my fave...
lol”

Asianavynuke

“plain and to the point i love it
”

monster

“it is just awesome man”

shamus94

read more comments on Dumbass

6) If you were twice as smart, you'd still be stupid

“I love this one its so true”

shiffty223

“I’m gonna use this one”

coots6

“Its simple and it gets the point across beautifully lol.”

vampduzie

read more comments on If you were twice as smart, you'd still be stupid

7) You must be the arithmetic man; you add trouble, subtract pleasure, divide attention, and multiply ignorance.

“This insult is very cool!”

“really bad insult”

moose4life19

“Very witty”

EasyasNBC

8) Do you have to leave so soon? I was just about to poison the tea.

“Short and to the point (plus very fun to say if you say it right). I gotta use this.”

fireinside96

“DAAAAAYUMMM”

Celestius

“I could use this as a joke with friends. I could use a slight re-mix of this when leaving a conversation after an argument. I could use this anywhere!”

leniv

9) We all sprang from apes, but you didn't spring far enough.

“Yeah that’d go perfect aganist my friend ... HA.”

“haha I used it on mah friend and she dun get it. she really didn’t spring at all xD”

BrokenSong

“thats a good one, I will use that one with my cuz.”

read more comments on We all sprang from apes, but you didn't spring far enough.

10) I hear when you were a child your mother wanted to hire somebody to take care of you, but the mafia wanted too much.

“He he he ill use this
”

“ha ha ha ha, damn, that just gets right to the point doesn’t it.”

horserida911

“Totally funny home skillet buscuit. lol”

pypyrox

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11) I would ask how old you are, but I know you can't count that high.

“LOL this is twice the insult”

GlonnAtronnAdonnAdict

“Double insult... on how old you are and in your stupidity. Especially if you ask someone sensetive to their age ;)”

“LOL im telling this to my dad hes lets just say not young
”

12) You’re so ugly Hello Kitty said goodbye to you.

“. . . funny
”

678rob754

“love it”

mchen

“omg! hilarious!”

read more comments on You’re so ugly Hello Kitty said goodbye to you.

13) In a nutshell, personally I consider him a cancer and better removed, avoided - and the less anyone heard of him or his supporters the better.

“cancer is the most deadliest and the most dangerous diseases, a cure is less known and the survival rate is not yet guaranteed but being talked about beng a cancer is the worst with people avoiding you”

ronluna

“Axl was talking about Slash who left Guns N Roses in 1997. Slash was known to use drugs like Duff and Izzy but he is the most addicted one. He is not using drugs anymore.”

ronluna

“axl’s statement for slash.”

ronluna

14) Ever since I have seen you in your family tree, I have wanted to cut it down.

“hey ohhhhhhhhhhhhh!im definatly usin this if my friend disses me really bad again.”

“i can use this on my older brother
mwahaha”

“A cracking good one that will baffle the wits of my brother.
Jolly good.”

15) Out of 100,000 sperm, you were the fastest?

“Brilliant!!!”

16) If you really want to know about mistakes you should ask your parents

“hahahaha mean.”

apples

“that is so cruel... LOL XD XD XD”

“ohhhhh damn.........mean!!!”

17) You are so ugly that when your mama dropped you off at school she got a fine for littering

“best insult on earth
”

“OOO BURN”

18) When you were born, the police arrested your dad, the doctor slapped your mom, animal control euthanized your brother, and A&E made a documentary that saved your life.

“Wow... this is the single most epic thing I have ever heard.”

the-dude-2000

“took me a long time to chose and I’ll probably change my mind in ten minutes but this is awesome”

CaptainComedy17

“this is the single meanest thing to say to someone... but thats what this list is about lol got my vote”

browney115

19) Some people are has-beens. You are a never-was

“its nice!!”

“Very close to my life story”

20) Here's 20 cents, call all your friends and give me back the change

“Nice!”

raresel96

“sweet
”

chip123polo

“the person im gonna tell it to probably is to dumb to get it”

21) Jesus thinks you're a dumbass

“thats just hurtful”

22) Yo mama’s so fat that she’s got smaller fat people orbiting around her

“haha hilarious! only one I’ve laughed out loud at!”

“talk about a funny picture!”

“haha thats a good one ACE”

23) Your mom just called me, and she asked, that on your way home, you pick up a loaf of bread, bag of milk and some condoms, so she doesn't make the same mistake, twice.

“ohhhhhhhhhhhh damn I think i will use this one
”

24) You’re so stupid you got fired from the m&m factory for throwing out all the "w’s"

“Owned”

SnoopDizzleDogg

“O man! wait till i tell my friend about this 1!”

25) Yo mama so fat she’s got more chins thin a chinese phone book

“this is an awsome yo mama joke lol
”

“That is so cool, i could use it against my enemy in bahrain!!!!!!!!”

26) Yo mama so fat wen she jumped in the ocean the whales started singin "We Are Family"

“OH MY GOD THAT IS THE FUNNIEST INSULT I HAVE EVER HEARD!”

27) I wouldn’t piss on you, even if you were on fire.

“lol thats good”

sharpo68

“That’s a Chumbawamba song. Well done for being original..”

Ellis

“thats cold”

28) Your mamma so fat she has to wear 2 watches because she covers two time zones

“thats the best 1 i herd in a long time”

“Sweet PWNED!”

ACDCRocks

“SICK”

29) Being around you is like having a cancer of the soul.

“what could be better than this. NOTE use on teacher/parent”

“Excellent use of a terrible disease.”

“thats cold”

30) hey u hav somthing on ur chin 3rd 1 down

“LOL that’s funny”

31) Your mother and father hated you so much you bath toys were an iron and a toaster

“OOH DAMN!”

Jrock-LOVE

“Uber diss”

Samfisherofwoe

“wicked!!”

32) Who do you think is the best comedy team? ME? I think it's your parents....they made the biggest joke!

“I am so using this! Brilliant!”

HenP

“Oh my gosh.. that is priceless...
”

Simply_Nobody

“HAHA love it!”

33) Why dont you shut up and give that hole in your face a chance to heal

“Ouch!”

34) Your momma is so ugly... she gotta be your momma

“just simple... but funny as hell”

rocknrolldude

“that’s actually pretty damn funny.”

35) Can I borrow your face? My arse is on holiday

36) You’re face looks like a pizza with the cheese ripped off

“That makes me laugh so hard!”

“THATS BAD! :D:D:D:D”

“That’s absolutely horrible!!!! It made me laugh so hard I was crying!”

37) I may be fat but you’re ugly and I can diet.

38) Your momma's so ugly she turned Medusa to stone

“now that is an insult”

“Funny as hell! (thats my friends mom? )”

pbrj

“That’s [Incredible] Man , Good One Dude.”

Metallica_136

read more comments on Your momma's so ugly she turned Medusa to stone

39) Looks like you fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down

“true...true....so true”

40) I'm looking forward to the pleasure of your company since I haven't had it yet.

“hahahahahaha NEAt... im sure using this one”

“im using it 2”

“o dis”

41) Your mama so fat she jumped up to the sky and got stuck

“thats gotta hurt”

“thats a good 1!!!”

“THAT IS SO WICKED LIKE”

read more comments on Your mama so fat she jumped up to the sky and got stuck

42) Your parents are siblings

“ouch! this one is harsh! but hey.. bet it don’t half smack them in the face lol”

“thats friggin bad...”

43) Nice tan, orange is my favourite colour

“Now thats something you don’t say to your gf!”

“xD Wow”

“I got to say this frequently when I was in california.”

44) Your so ugly when you popped out the doctor said aww what a treasure and your mom said yeah lets bury it

45) Your mommas so fat that when she turned around its a birthday again!!

“thats great”

46) You would look like your momma... if you grow a moustache. And some horns. And gain a few thousand pounds.

47) Learn from your parents mistakes - get sterilized

48) You didn't fall out of the stupid tree. You got drug through dumbass forest.

49) Do you still love nature....despite what it did to you?

“Call the fire department, cause you just got burned”

“classic insult, i don’t remember who actually said it first..”

“This is classic!!!”

read more comments on Do you still love nature....despite what it did to you?

50) You’re so stupid you tried to put m&ms in alphabetical order!

“i can’t wait to do that one”

“this one is pretty good. he he”

“OOOOOHHHH thats gotta hurt!”

51) Your momma is so poor, she went to the wishing well and threw in an IOU

“best ever”

“Oh BURN!”

52) You’re so ugly when you were born the doctors didn’t know if they should put you in a cradle or a cage

“are you just gonna take that?!”

ACDCRocks

“this is going to be a good one for a bully at our school”

“i like it that way!”

53) You’re house is so small, you ordered a large pizza and had to eat it outside.

54) Your asinine simian countenance alludes that your fetid stench has anulled the anthropoid ape species diversity.

“They wonâ€™t know what it means, but you will. It means: The stupid kind of monkey you are suggests that your stink killed the many other different kinds of monkey.”

55) My mother is more of a man then you. And she's a woman..

“Just something off the top of my head.”

56) When you were born your mum left you outside the orphanage and handed herself into the police

“its soo cold and funny the perfect combination!”

57) You’re so weird you’re made of cotton.

“I love the person that put this on here you know why? BECAUSE IT IS SOOOOOOOOO HILARIOUS!”

“It makes no sense, but it’s still hillarious.”

58) Is that your face? Or did your neck just throw up?

59) Why don't you check up on eBay and see if they have a life for sale.

“This is so cool I am so gunna try it lol :~)”

60) You were adopted and never loved.

“THIS ONE IS TERRIBLE!”

61) You're Michael Jackson gone wrong

62) With just one more brain, what a halfwit he'd be.

63) With a face like yours, I wish I was blind

“wow... thats hurtful.”

schaf1492

“wow , man thats mean”

“thats beautiful
”

64) What was that? You have a brain freeze? But honey doesn't that actually require a brain first?

65) Your face looks like someone smashed a glass bottle on it then tried to pick out the pieces with a wooden spoon

“I had much inspiration for this one!”

66) There was a comment about your dad in a movie... I think its "YOU SON OF A DISHWASHER"?

“wtf?... I love it”

arsenal193

67) You’re so fat you make a hippo look skinny!

“quality!”

68) You’re so fake that Barbie is more real than you

69) You're so stupid, brain surgeons are having a hard time

“lol”

“jolly good lol
”

“lol!”

70) Yeah you're pretty ... pretty stupid

“this says it all”

“lmao”

“haha..made me remember my bf’s ex!”

read more comments on Yeah you're pretty ... pretty stupid

71) Your mom is so stupid she tried to wake a sleeping bag

“hahahaha”

Chaddermouse

72) You was born on a motorway cause that’s where most accidents happen

“DAMN!”

73) Yo mamma so old, she owes Moses a quarter

74) Yo mama's so fat she sat on a rainbow and Skittles popped out

“dis joke is buzzin
”

“haha omg thats gold”

“hahaha thats a classical~”

75) Yo mamma so ugly not even rice crispes would talk to her

“Legendary! LMFAO! x”

76) Yo mama is so fat, when she goes to an all you can eat buffet, they have to install speed bumps

“i have used this one plenty of times an its just as funny everytime lol”

“thats awsome
”

77) I took a picture of you and taped it to my ass, but you were still uglier.

78) You're an accident waiting to happen...it's a good thing I didn't wait that long

79) You are about as brilliant and sane as Tom Cruise

“I made that up...it’s the most insulting thing I could think of”

“lol thats the best one!!”

80) Your parents made a mistake and it’s name was [insert person’s name here]

81) Yo mama’s so fat when she went missing, she took up all four sides of the milk carton

“that is funny
”

“daanngg shes big!!”

82) The only way I'd lay naked with you would be in a mass grave

“Ohhhhhh that hurts what a awsome brush off dude!”

Bec

83) Your momma's so fat when she runs she’s rolling the earth under her

84) Yo momma is like a racecar driver. She burns lots of rubbers!

“classical!”

“This one hurts!
The only one I’ve laughed to.”

85) By some strange chance, are your parents cousins?

“I said this to someone and they said ’No,why?’ Priceless.”

86) Why do you even get up in the morning?

“Haha! This one HAS to be the best!”

“xD I love this.
It makes me feel like a cold hearted bitch everytime I use it.”

87) You are so ugly when you were born the doctor said "I'm gonna drop it, if it falls is a rat, if it flies is a bat."

“good one! i’m gonna use it!!”

88) Yo mamma's so dumb she took a spoon to the Superbowl

89) You're so ugly, apes want to adopt you

“hah...mowgli”

90) I...... words can not express how much I hate you

“simply geneious:D”

91) You’ve got a face like a burst haggis

92) Yeah you're special ... special needs

“hahaha ive used tht funni !!!!”

93) Look, you aint funny. Your life is just a joke.

“lol i like this 1”

94) So you’re a blonde that everyone loves that has a sinless inside as white as snow.... you sound like a gay twinkie to me.

“I got a black eye for saying this one to the toughest most stupidest kid in school yet I still love it”

“man that owns!!”

95) Go lay by your dish

96) Go away I was looking at something better than you

97) Yo mama's so dumb that she went to the Clippers game to get a haircut

“WOW,even im not that blonde!!!
”

98) You're so ugly you make the second ugliest person in the world look like a super model

“ha ha....ugly”

99) If you ever happen to get a life, stop by for a while. I will give you advice on how to run it

“I don’t think the girl at my school will EVER get a life.”

“Very Hilarious!!”

100) You’re so fat when you burped you blew the world away.

“Check if you don’t beleive me.”