Best Dwight Schrute Quotes

created by Achilles

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1) I am faster than 80% of all snakes.

2) I don';t have a lot of experience with vampires, but I have hunted werewolves. I shot one once, but by the time I got to it, it had turned back into my neighbor';s dog.

3) Women are like wolves. If you want one you must trap it. Snare it. Tame it. Feed it.

4) If I could menstruate, I wouldn’t have to deal with idiotic calendars anymore. I’d just be able to count down from my previous cycle. Plus, I’d be more in tune with the moon and the tides.

5) Why tip someone for a job I'm capable of doing myself? I can deliver food. I can drive a taxi. I can, and do, cut my own hair. I did however, tip my urologist, because I am unable to pulverize my own kidney stones.

6) You're PMS'ing pretty bad huh?

7) Michael is like Mozart, and I'm like Butch Cassidy. You mess with Mozart and you're gonna get bullet in your head, courtesy of Butch Cassidy.

8) I am not a security threat. And, my middle name is "Kurt", not "Fart."

9) And I will travel to New Zealand. And walk the Lord of the Rings trail to Mordor.

10) I always wondered how they picked the person to die. I'd be good at picking the person.