Best Dwight Schrute Quotes

created by Achilles

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1) I am faster than 80% of all snakes.

2) I don';t have a lot of experience with vampires, but I have hunted werewolves. I shot one once, but by the time I got to it, it had turned back into my neighbor';s dog.

3) Why tip someone for a job I'm capable of doing myself? I can deliver food. I can drive a taxi. I can, and do, cut my own hair. I did however, tip my urologist, because I am unable to pulverize my own kidney stones.

4) Women are like wolves. If you want one you must trap it. Snare it. Tame it. Feed it.

5) If I could menstruate, I wouldn’t have to deal with idiotic calendars anymore. I’d just be able to count down from my previous cycle. Plus, I’d be more in tune with the moon and the tides.

6) Michael is like Mozart, and I'm like Butch Cassidy. You mess with Mozart and you're gonna get bullet in your head, courtesy of Butch Cassidy.

7) I grew up on a farm. I have seen animals having sex in every position imaginable. Goat on chicken. Chicken on goat. Couple of chickens doing a goat, couple of pigs watching.

8) You're PMS'ing pretty bad huh?

9) I am not a security threat. And, my middle name is "Kurt", not "Fart."

10) And I will travel to New Zealand. And walk the Lord of the Rings trail to Mordor.