Best Chuck Norris Facts

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The Top Ten
1Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can swim on land.

oh my god, this is by far the funniest of them all... couldn't stop laughing!

Swim on land... That's the best one there is here! I love it! I guess physics just got crapped on.

by far the best nobody can do this but Chuck Norris... I'm still laughing man. Chuck Norris is the best, better than the Zohan

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2If Chuck Norris falls into a river, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet, the river gets Chuck Norrised.

"Chuck Norrised"... Haha! Virtual bouquet of flowers to whoever came up with this one! Awesome. Oddly enough, I haven't come across this one before, but as so many have declared--this one is gold.

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY HAS THIS IN IT! (YOUTUBE)

Haha. Chuck Norrised... Love it. This ones a keeper for sure. CHUCK NORRIS for the win Pure awesomeness here

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3Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now just The Islands.

This fact REALLY made my day!
I laughed so hard as soon as I read it!
Chuck Norris FTW!

P.S. : Chuck Norris can strangle someone with a cordless phone... xD

Voters! Please get some sense of humor... This one should be at the TOP! Not down here!

Xion

TOO damn hilarious. This was the best fact ever created. So simple, yet so complex in it's true sentence. I probably just saw god... Okay no, not really. But this is better than any other, and some even get kinda... Blah? I guess, this never get's old.

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4Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

+16all of these are great but this one is the best

moose4life19

+7I don't KNOW WHY THIS IS NUMBER 2 because ITS WAY BETTER THAN NUMBER 1!
ALSO WHERE IS DEATH ONCE HAD A NEAR CHUCK NORRIS EXPERIENCE! Laugh out loud

+5lol this one is just so amazing. how can it be number four when it should be number one and then some with a side of chips well done and medium rare

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5Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

I always wondered what he was hiding from but the answer is quite simple.

This one never fail to make me laugh It's really funny! I think this one should be on the top 3.

Yeah, it's funny because waldo is so wimpy looking.

masterblaster

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6Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.

It's really only funny for those who have actually tried to delete the recycling bin. :)

This is just the best 1 out there! Props to whom ever made it up. How much trash do you have to write here to be able to Post?

lol I dunno why, lol'd the hardest to this one

lostgirl19

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7There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals that Chuck Norris allows to live.

I love it when these facts can come up in intense debates. Nothing better than throwing someone off with some Chuck Norris!

Oh my Gosh! This is made my day. So damn funny
8Chuck Norris' tears can cure cancer, it's a shame he's never cried.

I love the added its a shame he never cried at the end. Laugh out loud This one is by far the funniest. I hadn't seen this one before but it rules.

I love this one! Its hilarious! (mike fizzle chisel has approved this message. )

If chuck norris ever cried it would have to be his eyes swetting or something because if bruce lee is better chuck norris allows bruce lee and jackie chan to live

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9When the Boogieman goes to sleep at night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

+9Well that is just really weird you know. I mean when I go to sleep the room is filled with boogiemen. I guess they chose to hide in my room. Laugh out loud

+3Well, everyone is afraid to be Chuck Norrised after all, but boogieman? Clever move chuck!

+2Funny stuff I thought it was hilarious. I love chuck norris keep sending jokes

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10Chuck Norris clogs the toilet every time he pisses.

+18This one REALLY took the cake!
Just as the underestimated: "Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun".

+3Funniest one ever whoever thought of this should be talked about in the same conversations and einstien and steven hawking

+1yeah pretty much the best chuck norris joke.

at least that I've seen in a while.

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The Contenders
11Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.

This one should be at least in the Top 5. Its one of the few that has made me laugh. Sucks for my dad though, that means no birthday for him.

Chuck Norris is very assertive with the way he acts, NOBODY can make fun of him even "natural phenomena" can't be a "smart ass" against Chuck.

"NOT NOBODY, NOT NO HOW! " - The Wizard of Oz

Yep, that pretty much sums it up...
12Chuck Norris can speak braille.

Lmao I can't believe this one isn't in the top 5. Do yall even know what braille is? Lmao

This is the best one I have ever heard. The other good ones made me chuckle but this one seriously made me burst out laughing. Please go look up braille if you don't know what it is!

So can Peter Griffin

"Bump, bump, sideways bump, two bumps, bump and 3 bumps"

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13Chuck Norris knows Victoria's Secret

Simply laugh out loud... I laughed my butt off after hearing this one... Its simple and funny...

Imply laugh out loud... I laughed my butt off after hearing this one... Its simple and funny...
14Chuck Norris converted God to atheism

AHAHAA that's just great, it says that he saw God and convinced him that HE doesn't exist!

So there is a God, Chuck Norris saw him and spoke to him, and anyway converted GOD to the ATHEISM?

Epic one. Can't believe it didn't made it to the top 10...
15When Chuck does push-ups, he doesn't push himself up, he pushes the world down.

This is the funniest one out there!

Freak_Show1

I imagine when he was doing pull-ups. Maybe the sky is drawn down below -laugh out loud-

Chuck Norris is the funniest guy I've ever met. The #11statement is absolutely true. I Wish I get a chance to meet Chuck Norris someday!

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16If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google, it doesn't ask what you meant. It simply comes back as RUN.

Laugh out loud, most of the Chuck Norris jokes are quite repetitive but this one is just plain awesome. Good job to whoever made this up

THIS THE ONLY CHUCK NORRIS FACT I'VE HEARD THAT HAS MADE ME LAUGH!

I LOVE IT!

This one is HILARIOUS! Literally made me laugh out loud LOL! Cannot believe it's not in the top ten!

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17Chuck Norris died ten years ago, the Grim Reaper just can't build up the courage to tell him.

Damn good one. I heard Chuck Norris counted to infinity twice. But this is hilarious
18Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.

This is different my friend :D It actually make me laugh :DD
19Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
20Chuck Norris got stabbed by a knife. After 2 weeks of pain the knife died.

$
$
$ made me laugh so much! @@@ I love this one so much!

Froggy
21Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

Awesome! Imagine someone sleeping with their head on a gun and a pillow underneath! This one should have been rated way higher!

Simple but hilarious! The jokes that are only one sentence are always the most funny.
22Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

Math must be really easy for him... Haha.. Maybe he can find the exact value of 'i', sqrt(-1)

This is so awesome. All you people don't know math to see how funny this is. (It is impossible to divide by zero)
23The first giraffe was created when Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse.

Because he punched a horse, it's neck got real long? Like a knock-your-block off robot? Meh. OK joke.

Ie he can change the dna of something just by touching it! Made me laugh!
24Behind Chuck Norris' beard there is no chin, there is only another fist.

Kinda like the guys from ZZ Top hahahahahaha. It's true they don't have lower jaws
25Chuck Norris once pissed on an ordinary truck. We now know that truck as Optimus Prime.

pretty G if you ask me.
Chuck norris is the coolest man on the planet, and I can't believe that you need to do al of this just so I could put that one sentence up there.

The joke sounds better if you say it like this, "Chuck Norris was having sex with a girl in a truck when a bit of his semen dropped onto the seat. That truck is now known as Optimus Prime. "
26Chuck Norris doesn't tea bag girls. He potato sacks them.

This one is different than the usually stupid Chuck Norris jokes. Love it. I actually laughed at this one.

Laugh out loud ill never look at a potato sack the same way.
27There is no Ctrl button on Chuck Norris' keyboard. Chuck Norris is always in control
28Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

never heard this one hahaha. There are other funny ones but this is new.

That's good. Please, tell me. Who came up with this? Don't try and take credit, everyone. It's really good.

As a member of the revolving door's fan club, I gotta share this with the others! Laughed off asses will be everywhere!
29Chuck Norris puts the laughter in manslaughter.

Laugh out loud, that's so funny cause manslaughter is not supposed to be funny. He kills people.
30Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.

The only one thus far to have made me laugh except for the one talking about how he is in control and how he knows Victoria's Secret.

This is hilarious. He killed all the life out of it. That's why mars is red, it is covered by blood.
31Guns don't kill people, Chuck Norris kills people

This is the most popular and the funniest...simple and plain...norris is a beast
32Chuck Norris can strangle someone with a cordless phone.

Should at least be in the top ten. This one and the Waldo are too funny. Waldo is #5 currently "Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding. "
33Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter
34Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate

The only one that has truly made me laugh. The it was came out six foot tall and had learned karate part was just brilliant

I agree! Its the only one that actually made me laugh its funny if you just imagine chuck doing that
35Chuck Norris once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves.
36If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.
37Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

I was quietly reading... this one made me lol.
38Chuck Norris invented the spoon. Killing with a knife was too easy.

JTHM much?
LOLOLOLOL DUDE. THAT'S CLASSIC!
I wonder how that would feel?

Laugh out loud this one absolutely needs to be in the top ten^^
Imagine someone killing with a spoon!
39God said let there be light, Chuck Norris said say please.
40Chuck Norris doesn't sleep ... he waits.

Hilarious. It's like "lol" what is he waiting for.. But deep down, you know.

Read this years ago... I still laughed, silently, as I didn't want to a"wait" Chuck Norris... Sh.
41Kids go to sleep with a teddy bear. Chuck Norris goes to sleep with an actual bear.

I believe this fact to be true but don't forget about the other deadly animals at the bottom of his bed
42Chuck Norris makes onions cry

Too funny :P
Onions crying lol. This should be number one!
Lol who started this chuck norris stuff. He is the best
43Rosa Parks refused to get out of her seat, because she was saving it for Chuck Norris.
44Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked the Earth, and it never stopped spinning.

This one made me laugh out loud I'm suprised it's not in the top 10
45Chuck Norris doesn't flush the toilet, he scares the s*** out of it.
46Chuck Norris Can Do a Wheelie On a Unicycle
47Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.

Laugh out loud ultimately amazing this one should be moved way up the ranks

Bu çok iyiymiş yahu heheheh daha üstlerde olmalı
48Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

Chuck Norris is the best! I was quietly reading the list and once I've got here it took a few sec until I got it but than laugh out loud
49Chuck Norris kicks the Down syndrome right out of kids
50Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.

LAUGHED SO HARD! Wonder how often that happens though

ROFL! This is the one I laughed at the hardest, didn't expect such a thing, very funny...
51The original draft of The Lord of the Rings featured Chuck Norris instead of Frodo Baggins. It was only 5 pages long, as Chuck roundhouse-kicked Sauron's ass halfway through the first chapter.

I don't know why but after all of the others this is the first one that made me laugh aloud. I've never heard it.

TheCamoGhost
52In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.

+9they don't even need to, that's obvious.

comment quality for chuck norris is allways excelent I bet(given that it can only reach good)... :(
53Iron Maiden have a fear of the dark, but the dark has a fear of Chuck Norris.

Hilarious! I think Chuck Norris jokes are funny and I love Iron Maiden so this was the perfect one for me!

54Chuck Norris can dislike something on Facebook.

+1Haha Best one yet. I was just looking through all of them not sure What I should vote for and I found this. Haha. Maybe it's because I'm addicted to facebook but I voted for it!
55Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

This I believe should be higher simply because it's clever, compared to most of the comments above :))
56Toronto made a replica of Chuck Norris's penis. They just used his initials and called it the CN Tower

Laugh out loud.. Funny jokes dude... I can stop laugh after reading this one...
But the best jokes is at number 17...
Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.

muhammadfajri
57Chuck Norris is the reason why the chicken crossed the road.

LMFAO! This one should REALLY be moved up the ranks, I laughed so hard!
58Chuck Norris once won an underwater breathing contest with a fish.
59How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ... All of it.
60Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won
61Chuck Norris counted to infinity in Chinese ... twice.
62Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.

So true considering that PCs are known for having lags and crashes
63Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.
64Chuck Norris has a stunt double for crying scenes.

Excellent this one is pretty fresh.

Space holder cushion words

This is very clever and funny. :3
You'd think he'd have a stunt double for dieing. lol I love the joke.
65Life insurance premiums are based on how far you live from Chuck Norris.

Lolcano this made me rofl no actually I rolled
on the floor laughing. Should be number 1
66Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death...he wins fair and square.
67Superman goes to meet Chuck Norris each year on Teacher's Day

This one was awesome. Really made me laugh. And all these years I thought superman didn't need a teacher!
68Jack was nimble, Jack was quick but Jack still couldn't dodge Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick.
69Once Chuck Norris masturbated in a house... now it's called The White House
70Chuck Norris had a part in Star Wars. He was the force.

The first to actually make me laugh out loud, haha

71Chuck Norris gave birth to himself.
72Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
73According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.
74Chuck Norris let the dogs out.

The answer to the question everyone has been asking! Should be higher up the list!
75God said "let there be light", Chuck Norris said "say please"
76Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
77Superman wears Chuck Norris boxers
78Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost
79Chuck Norris takes 24-hour naps three times a day
80Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
81Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
82They invented a Chuck Norris toilet paper once... .it wouldn't take s*** from anyone.
83Chuck Norris asked the chicken to cross the road
84Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting, he goes killing

Classic! This one should be way higher. There is only one man who could do that.

When you look up Chuck Norris in the dictionary you are immediately met with a roundhouse kick to the face. Now you know.
85Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Atlantic Ocean.
86Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
87There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.
88Chuck Norris doesn't use spell check. The correct spelling is however Chuck Norris spells it.
89Chuck Norris Can Take Down a Fighter Jet by Pointing at With His Finger and Saying Bang
90Chuck Norris's Xbox 360 once got the Red Ring of death. Chuck Norris then painted the lights green and it worked again.

Ask him to help fix mine! Because mine doesn't work!

saint4ever37
91Einstein's original theory of relativity: If Chuck Norris kicks you, your relatives will feel it.
92Who would win Chuck Norris or Justin Bieber? Justin Bieber because Chuck Norris dosen't hit girls.

Yeah! Beiber haters! I love this so much, I hate Justin bieber, he sings, he looks like a girl, and I just have no idea why he has so many fans
93Chuck Norris doesn't use dental floss he uses barbed wire.
94Chuck Norris ordered a Whopper at McDonalds. he got one.
95When Chuck Norris burps weather.com issues an alert
96Chuck Norris doesn't mow his lawn, he dares it to grow.
97Newtons third law must be wrong, there is no positive reaction to Chuck Norris' round house kick.
98Chuck Norris puts the FIST in PACIFIST.
99Chuck Norris is so fast that when he goes to bed, he can turn off the lights and be under the sheets before the room gets dark.
100The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked one of the corners off.

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